This weekend I watched Fix My Life with Iyanla Vanzant, who is a transformation expert. In a letter that was rather revealing, Jay Williams, a highly successful video producer in Atlanta said he has fathered 34 biological children with 17 different women while claiming responsibility for another nine. It is possible to excel professionally while your personal life is crumbling at the seams because we can hold the mask of a smile in the studio while others bask in our work product; but the condition of our soul is so important and in Jay’s case, life is a very different story.
PAUSE: My intention is not to shame Jay Wiliams, his children, nor the women who are the mothers of these children. In fact, I pray that as a result of this article, Jay and his family will be reconciled to Christ and anyone who may find themselves in a situation like his where you have over indulged in life due to wounds of the past; that you’d be filled with the healing power and have a liquid love encounter with Father God.
In my book, Overcoming the Orphan Spirit, I talk about the orphan spirit as being a spirit that has many traits. One in particular that I write about is the need for the person to over medicate their wounds and hurt through physical stimulation which can consist of sex, drugs, food, or material things such as clothes, shoes, or cars. We all know that too much of a thing can lead to addiction, and it is for this reason that the orphan’s self-indulgence takes over and eventually soothes the place of an authentic relationship with self, Jesus, or another human being.
We can trace the orphan spirit back to the fall of Adam and Eve in the Garden of Eden and how they consumed the fruit which then led to the fathering of children- Cain and Abel and deep-seated jealousy between them resulting in Cain murdering Abel because of a rejected offering. Anyone who has ever identified themselves as an orphan are most likely without the love, affection, validation, or guidance of a parent. There is a deep sense of abandonment, loneliness, alienation, and isolation associated with this feeling which I believe has contributed to the issues that we face in society.
Single parents are at an all time high and children being raised outside of the traditional nuclear arrangement is prevalent creating not only a sense of the instillation of values or rooting in God but the absence of the love and security that comes from biological mothers and fathers.
During the first episode of Iyanla’s interview with Jay Williams, it was apparent to see the successful, quick witted tongued man get broken down to a little seven year old boy who never recovered from the abandonment of his father and isolation of his mother who were apparently living in the same house. For those who have not been exposed to the orphan spirit before, the conditions do not always warrant a parent living outside of the house. In fact, it can very well be that you had a father who was present in the house but never spoke a word of validation over you because they were alcoholics or drug addicts or simply unable to give you what they had not received as a child.
My heart broke for the little boy whose affection was traded for a decision to no longer care about the condition of his son following the theft of his father’s guns from the family home. Watching that moment play out on television was difficult to watch because his father simply stamped the hour and day when he lost affection for the only son he had.
With many of my GriefTalk Recovery clients, one of the things that we spend a considerable amount of time talking about in therapy is trauma centrality. Trauma centrality simply means that if there was an issue in life that was not handled, grieved, accepted, or confronted, every single issue that affects the person in life will be viewed through the lenses of that original trauma. For instance, when I was 21 years old, I lost my father and soon after my mother. It lead me on a path to drugs, abusive relationships, and low self-esteem. The thoughts that were associated with the deaths of my parents had me feeling like giving up on life. Soon after, every decision that I could see myself making about my future was done through the lens of hopelessness because I had no hope after they died.
It appears that Jay was able to develop a strong sense of resilience in his professional life which promoted him to success, but the residual issues of abandonment, isolation, and loneliness created a situation of revolving door relationships that resulted in situated comfort ultimately producing children, more relationships, and more children. Although his decision placed him in this path, I also wonder what the mindset is of the:
The Mothers: The 17 women who are said to have mothered children with Jay come to mind for the purpose of how they decided to enter into relationship with a man who was well on his way to fathering all of these children. For the woman who never received validation as a woman from her father or mother may have never developed standards enough to know what to accept as right or wrong. The absence of self-love to slow down and process the situation is often blinded by deep soul ties, which in some arenas is called being “sprung”. However you choose to define it, the acting out of life is not always about violence to society but violation to self; some are incarcerated in institutional prisons because of their decisions, and some are locked down in the prison of their own mind and mentalities telling them they can not do better than what is currently being presented to them.
The Children: Men and women can purpose in their hearts to be a better father or mother than they had in life but at the end of the day, you can not give what you do not have and the propensity to be better than what you had experienced Trauma manifests itself in cycles so if there was an issue that was not dealt with; get ready because it will deal with you sooner or later. Matthew 6:21 says, ” For where your treasure is there your heart will be also.” This is a true scripture that warrants the question, “Where is our treasure and where is our heart as it relates to Christ as our center?” Time near or time apart can not ensure that a child will be validated by a parent. It is important for Jay to heal from his wounds so his children will not see themselves as Jay appeared to feel in the presence of his parents…..alienated.
I am happy that Jay has decided to come forward to receive assistance in healing his deep wounds that have now permeated like chain into the lives of the mothers of his children as well as his children. In doing so, it has come with a very expensive price attached and that is the judgement from strangers. I am sure that he is a loving father and wants to do what is best for the children, but nothing can be done for a man or woman who has not accepted the love that God has for them. No amount of money can provide the security and validation that is needed in this world like the knowing that you are loved and accepted.
The only solution for the orphan spirit is to be filled with the knowledge that Father God loves you and affirms you. This love will show you that you don’t have to try and perform to be something you are not but to receive God’s unconditional love for you which will in turn mature you in making decisions and defeating isolation. Romans 8:19 says that creation is moaning and crying out for the manifestation of true sons and daughters of God who are willing to receive his love.
Couple of things:
Know that God loves you; always has and always will!
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