Uncategorized

Holiday Grief

The difference between grief and denial……..

May we have the courage to heal.

Blessings to you this holiday season.

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Relationships, Uncategorized

“But a B**tch is Happy!”: Omarion and Apryl Jones

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Omarion and Apryl Jones     

I am not thirsty and I am not looking on these blogs for any tea ok.  There is so much going on in the world today that could never be compared to the relationship status of two people and their decision to call it quits, but while I am here, let me say this real quick…………can we #TalkRelationships ?

Woke up this morning to the news that America’s cutest couple, Omarion and Apryl have called it quits. Instagram and social media will never be the same seeing provocative yet cute and cuddly pictures of this couple loving on each other as they bring two beautiful children into the world.

We followed them and many gained a restored sense on #blacklove and the desire to try again was instilled all because of this couple. Clueless to the day to day, unsaid, uncued, and captured moments in the silence of themselves, we wanted to be just like them. Why? Social media creates a perception that becomes reality in the eyes of those desperately searching. Traditional human behavior teaches us to continue the status quo even when we have seen our parents swim in it and and in some cases drown.

Unless you are living under their roof, you’ll never know the real details. The Love and Hip script on television often outweighs the cultural, societal, and emotional pressure that people face. While #relationshipgoals, #ahtheysocutetho hastags are flying all around, the reality is that there is no perfect relationship and for whatever reason, even the bomb sex, having two children one year apart, a reality series contract, good God genes, or the like can not outweigh the truth:

Cows make milk for to nourish the thirsty but even cows suffer dehydration. Selah.

Maybe she had a moment of sanity, waking up from her pause thinking why did I put my life on hold to make a life with you? A common situation many women find themselves in when they situate themselves into a comfort zone, playing house with all the amenities except for the one that truly counts: Commitment

I do not want to speculate or assume, just speaking on the obvious, I would dare say that even though she may feel light in her ability to wake up, I am sure taking to social media creating a Snap Chat in front of your child to proclaim to the world that “A B**tch Happy really is translation for, ” I woke up, walked out, not sure of next step but I gotta say something.” Just my guess but I pray that their streets align, co-parenting reigns, and if this just so happens to be another lemonade session, may they profit themselves into Holy Matrimony.

Oh, and please, for the love of Jesus, get your OWN #RELATIONSHIPSGOALS!

 

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*I did not take this picture.

Uncategorized

Coping Through the Holiday Funk- Danita Ogandaga, MSW

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This article is about World Class Funk: Holidays, Loss, & Intensified Feelings.

A client once told me, “Danita, if I could, I wish that I could become a bear to hibernate from Thanksgiving to New Years”. I have heard this statement so many times in my work as a grief recovery coach. The holiday season is naturally a time for persons to be of good cheer but not everyone is reeling from the turkey preparation, fall colored leaves, lines at Starbucks getting your red cups, or frequent trips down neighboring subdivisions to view holiday lights.

My therapist once told me shortly after the loss of both parents that the feelings that we carry and often have are not pasted on watch so they do not obey time and they certainly don’t obey the calendar we follow ritually. Seasonal affective disorder (SAD), according to an article published by CNN affects approximately 20% of Americans and are due in part to the cold weather, lack of sunlight, to name a few followed by financial pressure for some. As much as we’d like to drag the Grinch or the person sitting in tears, the stark reality is that grief is real and it takes time. Martha Beck, who writes for O Magazine and is an amazing transformation coach in her own authority, it is important to remember that if we are going to be there for someone during their season of grief that we not try to rush them along. Healing takes time.

Just as water travels through the river, there are people that are walking the streets, working beside you at work, or pushing their cart in the grocery store with you that may find themselves in the first 48 hours of their loss whether that loss is a loved one, foreclosure or loss of house due to fire or other circumstance, prolonged illness, abandonment, rejection, or any other situation. This past week, I encountered what felt like a surge of personal emotions that all seemed to come at once:

  • My sister was rushed into emergency surgery
  • My aunt lost her husband and love of her life
  • I wrapped up a month-long course on Miscarriages and had a moment to remember my own

Although these moments dealt with a person, there are also griefs that are associated with non-persons. Whatever the grief may be, I want to encourage you that you must go through the process and in doing so, ultimately find the strength to place the memory of the things or person that you have lost in a place where you can continue to function.

Here are a few ways that you can begin to make through the days ahead:

  1. Make time to remember- Maybe it was a picture you posted on Facebook  or your favorite memory of the place you loved to attend, make the time to share those experiences with your friends and family.  It may be a simple trip to your favorite ice cream store of a long-distance trip to the island. No matter where it is, make the time to make time to remember. The engagement and the act of giving voice to the memory will provide a connection deeper than you could imagine.
  2. Open up for glimmers of joy- The feeling of guilt can cause you to believe that you are not entitled to laugh in the midst of crying as you mourn or grieve but I want to assure you that this is the best thing for you to do. Your memories can hold the joys as well as the pains associated with losing your loved one and when you remember deep down, you know that your loved one would want you to find glimmers of joy even in a painful time.
  3. Set clear expectations- It may not always be easy to set clear expectations especially when you are crying your eyes out, but it is ok to know that when you have lost someone or something, no one expects you to jump up and down and cheer. Let’s face it, you have just lost something or someone dear to you so of course you are going to cry. Death is a separation until we are reunited again. When couples and family members embrace each other after a short departure or reunion, they cry, right? So, if there is no immediate reunion in site for those things or persons that we have lost, of course there will be tears. Talking to people who are perfect strangers in a support group or grief recovery group can always assist your process.

No matter what you decide to do, maintain your peace that you are doing what is best for you. This is what we want grief to look like and in fact, it is something quite different.

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I encourage you to stay tuned for our February 2016 GriefTalk Recovery Group event that will be held online. For more information, read here.

In the days ahead, stay encouraged. For more products to assist your grief journey, please visit our store.